What I learned in 2010

It's almost 2011, and I haven't updated this blog since May. I know. It's awful.

But there's a reason for it. And I'm going to be a little vulnerable here and tell you why.

2010 was an incredibly difficult year for me. And I didn't write much about it, because I didn't want to think much about it.

You see, in January, after only a week on the field, I went to Haiti to cover the earthquake there. It was a stressful, disappointing and emotionally draining trip. But more than that, it dug up a lot of issues from my past that I thought were resolved a long time ago. Turns out they weren't.

Then, after dealing with both the Haiti earthquake and the Chile earthquake in my first 2 months on the field, I was met with nearly 6 months of down time. I came to Chile expecting to be immersed in a new culture. But because I work in an office with other Americans all day, my opportunities to practice Spanish and learn the culture were limited. It left me feeling perpetually disconnected from my new surroundings. I was isolated.

On top of that, I'm the only person my age working here, and I live alone. So I didn't have anyone to explore the city with. I didn't have anyone to share the single ex-pat experience with. I didn't have anyone to vent to when things got difficult. I was lonely.

I don't say all this to complain. It's just an honest account of where I found myself and what I was feeling. And this lonely, isolated context is where I had to struggle with the things Haiti dug up in my heart.

In Haiti, I found myself surrounded by those who had just had their entire world ripped apart. But many of them still trusted in God – a God who had let all that happen to them! I felt lost as I tried to take it in. It seemed so wrong to me.

That’s when all of the pain of my past – the abuse, depression and addiction I’ve gone through - came rushing back to me.

I left Haiti feeling like God really was a liar who abandons those who love Him. I was angry at God, and it tore me apart.

Through the months that followed, I refused to talk to God. If I did, they were hostile, tear-filled prayers. I just laid low and tried to distract myself from how much I was hurting.

Then one night, I received the Skype-call that changed everything. My friends Jake and Becky were engaged!

I know Jake and Becky from the Focus on the Family Institute where we lived in intense community with other young Christians through the spring of 2009. It was the most life-giving experience I’ve ever had. The intimate, connected community that began there is still alive, and the friends I made there are the closest I have.

Jake and Becky’s engagement was about the most beautiful thing I could imagine – and that beauty shocked me. I thought the world was dark and God had turned his back on me. And yet, here He was, loving and blessing two of the people I love most in the world. It reminded me of all God had done in our lives at Focus – of all the beauty and truth and love He had filled our hearts with.

In that moment, the lie I was believing was revealed. God hadn't really abandoned me. And He was reminding me now how much He really loves my friends and me.

Finally, I let God back in and started talking to Him about everything I was feeling. They were long, difficult conversations. But through them, He taught me some valuable things:

• My pain belongs to God. My whole life, good or bad, is His. And I don’t get to demand an explanation for what He does with me.

• God will heal my wounds through my relationship with Him. But I have to be willing to take on everything that relationship entails. A quick fix wouldn’t draw me close to Him like waiting and talking and trusting do. Healing is a process, and the goal is intimacy with God.

• My relationship with God is my standard for good and bad in life. I tend to define good and bad by my own feelings. But bad is whatever draws my heart away from God – no matter how good it seems. And good is whatever draws my heart closer to Him – even if it hurts. So the pain of life is really a good thing if it forces me to cling to God and grow closer to Him as He heals me.

From there, 2010 slowly improved, though some more hard prayers came later. My Spanish got better. I learned to fill time alone with artwork. And I got to go Argentina and Brazil! (All things I’ll write more about later)

But returning to the States for Jake and Becky’s wedding in October was a milestone. Their wedding was a taste of Heaven – and I was blessed to be a part of it. And when I returned to Chile, it was in a different state of mind.

Am I still isolated? A little. Am I still lonely? Sometimes.

But I have God. And with His help, I have learned to adjust to my situation and start making the most of it.

And from here on out, I’ll do a better job of chronicling it.